hi, I’m Nicola
mum of 4
no1 Amazon best seller
I was that mum, petrified of the future and how my mental health was affecting my children. I was a mum who had no control over her moods or emotions. I loved my children so much, but I felt that the best option for them, was for me to take my own life to not be that negative impact and burden on them and my family anymore. I loved them so much I wanted them to have better than me, I wanted them to have a proper mum.
I was in the deepest darkest places, and one day I found myself shouting at two ambulance crew who had just frantically managed to save me, moments from successfully ending my own life. I remember fighting them back, not letting or wanting them to save me. I hated them for not letting me go, for not letting me set my children free. At the time I had 3 childen and they where in the later stages of primary school.
Now I am so grateful for my life and so blessed to now have had another child and be a fantastic mum to 4 amazing children. I am a good mum I make mistakes but overall I am in control of my moods and emotions. Yes I have my struggles still, but everyday I make simple adjustments to ensure that I am always stronger than my mind.
This is my passion, to help other mums who feel there is nothing but fear, pain and being trapped by their mind. No mum should ever feel like this, no mum should ever feel like the best thing for her children is for them to not be their mum. My mission in life is that every mum I work with, I will help her to regain control of her moods and emotions. To help her not be scared of what she might be capable of, to not believe those intrusive thoughts. I will hep you to feel worthy, confident, loveable and most of all proud. You will be fiercly emotionally independent, fully accept and love yourself living a confident life you feel in control of. I call this mission my butterfly movement, and I call the transformation I take you on, the butterfly effect.
I know that you can become stronger than your mind. I have the experience coupled with the qualifications and skills to not only continue to help myself but to help people just like you who think they are not good enough to be a mum. I got you! To find out about the services I offer to help you, see my services section.
I studied and trained as a person centred counsellor and was set on a career of helping others who had been through a difficult childhood. I was part way though this journey in touching distance of finishing my Law degree so I could apply to the police and become a family liaison officer, working with child victims of sexual abuse.
For years I lied to myself I told myself I had lied about being sexually abused by my dad, I told my self it was awful but it didn’t happen. It had taken 3 attempts for me to even get my mum to fully comprehend what was happening. But by 8 she did, she believed me and made sure he couldn’t come near me again.
I was self harming from approx 11 years old and made my first suicide attempt when I was approx 14. I remember my brother caught me one day, self harming. He thought I was trying to kill myself and told me I was doing it wrong and give me instructions how to do it properly. I was so lost, alone and dealing with so much pain. It is no surprise really that at the age of 16 I left home to a man I had met four years older than me, one night when my mum took me to the pub with her. I was also trapped in a very unhealthy and mentally abusive relationship with an extremely possessive partner. I was barely allowed to leave my room and would get shouted at if he found out I had been talking with his brothers friends. I had tried when I was 16 and pregnant to run back to my mums but I was not allowed to return, told I’d made my bed so lie in it. I then went onto discover that my Dad was living behind me and now I became even more trapped and my mental scars where starting to try and open more than ever before. I was so scared and again felt so lost, alone and scared. The only person who seemed to care so much about me was a mentally abusive man who treated me like his pocession but I was in love because he loved me. I had my amazing baby boy at 17 years old and became a mum before I had even become an adult myself. The difficulties and challenges I faced as a teenage mum where no dissimilar to any other teenage mum. But they added to all that I was already going throuhg and the cohersive control and mentally absuive relationship I was in, not to mention my childhood sexual abuse by my dad that I was still too afraid to allow myself to think of. I went on to stay with the man and had 2 more chilren with him by the time I was 21 I was a mum of 3.
But I am so proud that with three young children, no career just certificates. I left my ex and had no idea what to do or who I was. I didn’t know what it was like to have freedom, of any sort I had been his possession for 6 and half years. But here I was, doing a law degree and almost at the end of it too. Finally having a plan of how I would use my previous counselling qualifications.
The lid came off
Of course, the lid came off like a pressure cooker exploding. I suddenly realised I was suffering, badly from mental illnesses. I attempted to take my own life (and tried again several more times too). My life spiralled out of control. I lost my grip on my entire life. I spent several years, struggling and trying to stay alive. I was consumed and controlled by my mental illness. I was having flash backs I was hearing my dads voice in my head daily and genuinely believed it was him, and that if I told anyone I would be sectioned for the rest of my life. I wasn’t able to understand, in the midst of it all that it was complex PTSD. It was though having to face the truth, the truth that I had in fact told the truth back when I was just 8 years old, that for some time my dad had been sexually abusing me. All the trauma from it, and the aftermath of it coming out where all so raw all these years on. On top of all these other traumas I had now acquired along the way with my ex and having my children. I started to realise that I just didn’t react to day to day life the same as everyone else. Always being told that I was over reacting to things, but to me things hurt, a lot. Or things made me extremely angry I didn’t seem to have a middle emotion it was all or nothing. It was depressive episodes not being able to clean myself, to clean my house, to leave the house, for months I was unable to make it much further than to the gate in my front yard. I was suffering with depression, anxiety, complex PTSD and also borderline personality disorder.
Then after several attempts to take my own life I hit a point. It wasn’t what people usually say either. It wasn’t for my children the way most people say, because for a very long time I truly believe they where better of with anyone except me. But in a dark place I told myself, that seen as I was that thick that I wasn’t even able to kill myself, that I might as well start to see if there was a way I could learn to live with all this. So, slowly, I started to regain my control. I started to use the skills I learned as a counsellor. I started to accept that my life hadn’t been the fairy-tale we all hope it will be. I started to accept that I got to decide if I was a victim or not. I realised that I had all the power I needed, within me, to change and to regain my control over my life and my mental health.
I used my existing counselling knowledge, gained so much more knowledge and qualifications. Even becoming a qualified personal trainer, to bring me to where I am now.
A mental fitness counsellor helping mums who struggle with their mental health. I adore what I do. I know that all I have been through has enabled me to help so many mums, I go beyond the point of empathy because I have actually lived the dark days too. I am grateful for the lessons that my life has taught me. My pains have truly become my passion.
I haven’t just read the books, I haven’t just taken the exams. I have lived and breathed it too. I have several mental illnesses which I manage on top of a family of 4 children and running a business. This is what sets me apart from the services offered on the NHS. This is what makes me so powerful for you to have as your supporter. Because, I am in this with you! We are in this together. I have got you.
Read All About It
Back in 2018 I was asked to contribute to a book full of truly inspirational women. Despite being absolutely terrified. I accepted and began the painful process of writing my chapter (chapter 17). It took some real lady balls to do what I did. The book reaching number 1 in some of the top amazon categories was worth it though. I feel so empowered to have shared a bit of my journey and to be able to call myself a published author. You can get a copy here (kindle copies are only 99p) and read not only mine, but several other truly inspiring stories from women across the UK.
I do plan on writing my own book, one day.
What my butterflies say
I came across Nicola on Facebook when I saw her post and answered ‘yes’ to so many questions. For both my mental and physical health – I knew I had to explore her futher. I am gald I did. Nicola is amazing, a true survivor and a warrior. She is supportive and inspiring but not afraid to kick butt when the sitation demands it. The other group members are wonderful; there is no judgment, it’s a safe place to be, and yes, it can be a funny place too. Mental and physical health don’t have to be 100% serious, as I’ve discovered. Thanks to her incredibly useful and honest online support guides, I know I can turn to Nicola or her virtual self for help 24/7. Stronger Than Your Mind is unique and that’s a good thing. It’s not sterlie, clinical, or ‘fluffy bunny’. It’s honest, it’s open, it’s warm and friendly. It’s serious, it’s funny, it’s light, and sometimes you’ll get a no-nonsense toe up your bottom if that’s what you need. If you think all support groups are the same, think again.
Nicola has created workshops to help with numerous different issues/areas of concern and by working through them you are able to see things from a different perspective. I’m always going back through my worksheets to remind myself of how I felt when I worked through the workshops and it really helps. Nicola is so knowledgeable and makes you feel at ease. She really is the expert as she has experienced and overcome her own challenges in life.
When I finally opened up to Nicola and told her what I was going through, there was no judgement and no talk of social services, but lots of understanding. It was so nice to finally have someone to speak to about all of this, I didn’t feel alone anymore. Nic was like a little light in a very dark time where I couldn’t see a way out. After sometime of having one to ones with Nic the pain began to lift I began to see that I wasn’t crazy, my children were not better off without me and I wasn’t a horrible person my my was telling me I was I began to see I was worthy of help but most importantly I could see that what happened to me wasn’t my fault. If I could go back and tell that little girl anything I would tell her it won’t feel like this forever and everything was going to be alright and she was going to make it thanks to a very special lady who would lead her out of all the darkness and pain she was carrying.
When I first started my sessions I still felt a little alone discovering I struggled with BPD and what it meant for me. I was unsure of my next steps to take and what to do to help. I feel a lot more positive about myself now and don’t feel like people are going to hate me because of the way I am. I know I’m never going to be ‘cured’ but I am okay with that now, I know I have to keep working at it and eventually I’ll have more control over my head so I am determined to keep working hard! I feel I have more control than when we first started having sessions. I handle tough situations better than I did before and I am not quite as closed as I used to be because I was scared to let people in. I am proud of myself when I look back at everything that has happened and I am still here trying to make things better. I can’t thank Nicola enough for the support and guidance she has given me, it is honestly priceless. I dread to think where I’d have been if I hadn’t found Nicola.