This week I have found myself back in the dark depths of depression.
But one of the things I find most difficult in these times is sleep.
When I’m low I feel like I have had the stuffing knocked out of me. Like I could sleep the days away. Like sleeping is a way to get away from all this noise in my head. All the chatter. It’s like 20 people are all trying to talk to me. But I just can’t cope to listen to them all at once. Sleeping would stop this. I need sleep. I want sleep !
GIVE ME THE SLEEP
So, I get myself to bed and lie down. Do I sleep? Do I F*@k ! That would just be too easy! Did you know that insomnia and depression are like a match made in hell? They come as a pair. If you have one you have the other. I lie there and think ok Nic, count sheep. Then I question myself as to why I chose to count sheep? Why didn’t I count pigs or cows? Why do we count sheep? Who invented that saying ? Why did the girl bully me in primary school? Why did that teacher take an instant dislike to me?
You have been there too right ? Most of us have and will be again. For some of us it’s a one off. For others this continues for weeks months or even years.
And when I can sleep, all I seem to be doing is sleeping. I need to sleep so much. I can’t seem to leave my bed. I am in and out of sleep all day long. Yet I still feel as though I haven’t slept for weeks ! I can’t seem to wake up enough to function. And just as I feel like I have the motivation to get up, I have fell back to sleep again. Before I know it have spent DAYS in and out of sleep. Now I lie there wide awake criticising myself for the days I’ve wasted. Thinking of all the things others would have done with their day to make it worth while. Drs saving lives. Nurses caring for the sick. I’ve laid in bed !
Sleep is scary – these dreams!
So, you finally get to sleep. But now you’re screaming to wake up. It feels so real, it all looks so real. It hurts so much. You wake up in tears and having a panic attack. I have the most awful and vivid dreams that can affect me for days when I am in the depths of my mental illness. It is like torture. I want sleep. I need sleep. I can’t sleep. I get to sleep and my dreams are the most awful dreams you can have. They bring old memories up, they make you relive awful events, they make you see people you have been fighting hard to forget. I don’t want to go back to sleep. So many nights I’ve woken from a god awful dream. I have refused to allow myself to go back to sleep and have to go through it again. And or am too scared the dream will continue. So I’ve got up and drank tea, put the tv on and got my phone out. I won’t sleep, sleep is evil !
How I try to help myself.
I won’t go into too much detail here. As I have a full course dedicated to this entire topic in my Stronger Than Your Mind Academy.
But here’s a few things I do;
I accept sleep isn’t going to be my best friend when the dark cloud is over me.
I remind myself the dark days don’t last forever.
I write in my journal to try make sure I have released any pent up thoughts or emotions. And keep my journal by my bed to write in when I wake from dreams or when I can’t sleep.
I write in my gratitude book.
I exercise everyday.
I practise guided sleep meditation.
If you are reading this blog and it relates to how you feel about sleep, then please share this across your social media using the links below. You never know who it may help. You never know who will read it, thanks to you, and suddenly realise that they are not alone, and that there are things that can help them.