For years I didn’t realise I had a life lasting incurable mental illness. It would have been there of course, but I just didn’t see it. It’s like that paper cut that is there but until you actually see it you don’t feel the pain as much.
I was feeling all sorts of emotions and mental pains. I was erratic and out of control in so many ways. I was like a can of pop shaken up and it didn’t take much for my lid to burst open.
But for ages this was just me, this was just who and how Nix was. She was feisty, emotional and very dramatic. She took crying over spilled milk to a whole new level.
Yes I was dealing with a lot in my life at the time. But I wasn’t actually dealing with it at all, it was breaking me bit by bit.
When I first had that moment of realising I actually had a long term mental illness, that I also had depression and anxiety too as well as complex PTSD I honestly thought well what is the fucking point! That is just a whole cluster fuck of mental illnesses both long term and incurable yeah great.
I didn’t deal with it very well as you can imagine, as I was a pro by now at not handling things! So I spiralled even more than I already had been doing. I made 3 serious attempts to end my live and I caused a tsunami of damage and destruction along the way.
People often say that to bring them back from the edge or even to stop them going to the edge they thought of their kids. That they couldn’t leave their kids behind, or they couldn’t be this way for their kids. I just couldn’t feel or think this way. I couldn’t change, it was just how I was, it was the trauma I had suffered. There was nothing I could do about it now. So the only thing I could was to not be here, not be a mum to my kids, not be how and who I was to them. To instead be a memory of them, be a fantasy because the fantasy is always better than reality right and that way they’d have a mum, but in their heads. I’d be a memory and tales of a broken little girl who had kids way too young and was just unable to see past her scars.
So what did happen then ? How am I here today, a mum of 4 who is in control of her moods and emotions and is no longer ‘just existing’ I am living my life to the fullest. Running my own business supporting others. Having all these amazing connections and friendships, a loving long term relationship that I feel secure in. As well as feeling so confident and proud of the mum I am to my amazing children.
Well, I FAILED! For me it was failing at being to end it all that give me that kick up the bum. Now obviously I am not suggesting this in anyway shape or form as a tactic to shock yourself into getting help and support. I am just sharing what it took to me, I wish instead I had come across someone like me back then, but that is why I do this, that is why my pains have become my passions. But me failing at removing myself from this life, at removing myself from my kids life. Give me that ah ha moment. I was like ‘seriously Nix you are that thick you can’t even end it all, you might as well try and use your skills against yourself and be the support you need right now’. So I did, I cocooned myself and in helping myself I learned a system of being able to help others too.
What did I have to work on in order to be where I am today?
I was unable to deal with my emotions, why? I was always on the edge of that cliff. I was so raw. I needed to look deep inside me as to what that was for me then came the biggy. Acceptance, I needed to accept who I was, what I was and why I was.
Then I needed to stop wanting everyone else to just understand me and actually learn how to understand myself first. Understanding myself on the deepest level and really getting to know me, instead of being so afraid of being on my own that I would avoid it all costs because being alone, meant being with me. Now I understand myself I grave and love my alone time.
I then needed to reset my mind, all these ‘old’ ways of dealing with my emotions. All these old ways of old ways of thinking of being needed to be gone. I needed to look at what helped me, what didn’t help me and what would or could help me. So that I didn’t just carry on as I was before, I need to hit reset so I could keep on top all the skills I was now creating for myself.
I needed to condition myself, toreally hone in on everything I had done so far. I needed to have it on a rinse a repeat basis I needed to implement new things and new ways to enhance this new found level of acceptance and understanding. I needed to find ways to keep improving and building on all I had been doing.
So that ultimately I got to where I am now, stronger than my mind. Now it is about keep working on myself, like an onion with all them levels each time I think I am done. Another life situation will happen or I will go deeper on something that I have already worked on before. For example for me, looking at my childhood trauma, being able to say the word dad was huge and took me so much. But then working deeper on that was about being more open about it to others, to not turn the tv off anymore at certain triggers. To now being able to speak quite opening and publicly about what happened to me and that I was my dad who did it.
It is hard when you are ‘in it’ to even see that you need support, that you need help that something is wrong. You might feel it deep down but might not even know what is wrong with you. Or like me just accept it as this was simply who you was and there was nothing you could do about it. But if you are reading this and it is resonating if you are reading this and there is that twinge in you saying, wow this is me, I need and want to change. I need and want to take control of my moods and emotions. You don’t want to keep being so on edge. You don’t want to keep feeling like you are sorry for the sort of person you are. You don’t want to feel like a burden and a chore to those around, so bored of how you deal with things and the way you act. But at the same time you just have no idea where to even start or how to even find support to get the help. Well you have just found it hun, welcome to the butterfly effect. I am here for you now, and if you want to go all in with me I will be here for you for as long as you need me. I have created a five stage programme grouping all what I did to get me here so that you can do it too. This can be done either via a self study membership programme, via one to one sessions with me or a mixture of the two!
Use the button below to find out more about my services and how I can support you, to help teach you the tools and strategies to take control of your moods and emotions so that you can stop just existing and start living. A life where you feel confident as who you are and of the mum you are so that you can hold you head up high and enjoy all that this world has to offer, however that looks for you.