I find myself forever feeling the same emotion and today I wanted to blog about it and be the real and raw honest me that my group members are used to.
Does Every Abused Child Feel Selfish?
Today, I was setting out a task for members of my academy. It is a task I use when we are overwhelmed by emotions. One of the things I asked them to do was to pick an emotion they feel consistently or they feel is happening a lot. I then thought of my own, I am riddled with selfishness. I am forever finding myself questioning if I am being selfish or not, or why I am such a selfish person. I wonder…does every abused child feel selfish?
What makes you selfish?
As I journaled why feeling selfish was such an issue for me I made so many realisations. I wanted to unpick it, to find its source. One of the things I will often do, is put myself as my own client. I will write down my emotions or troubles. Then on another day, when I am more detached that the problem or emotion belongs to me. I unpick it as if it was a clients. So, off I went unpicking my selfishness. Why? Did others have that opinion? Where are the facts that I am selfish?
I am always so selfish…
I will feel selfish for the smallest of things, and in the most bizzare moments. Having time for me, I feel soooo selfish for. Having children! I feel selfish that I had children. That I allowed myself to be their mum, I should have known I wouldn’t make a fit mother. How could I be so selfish as to just be their mum without fully considering their feelings. Take my youngest for example, my older three children where all past 10 years of age, when suddenly against all medical diagnosis I found myself pregnant! It was a miracle. I got so swept up in having a miracle a baby and didn’t fully let myself consider what it would mean for her. I knew I was playing with scary odds to do with her health, yet I took them. I knew if I allowed myself a moment to think, that I didn’t class myself as a good mum at all to my older three children. So why an earth would I have another. SELFISH!
I could hear someone else’s voice
As I was doing this, I felt like I could hear and feel someone else’s presence within me. I won’t say who, but I certainly had that feeling. I would normally then take this as evidence, that if that person thought it, then it must be true. Instead I questioned why they would think that and in what situations they have made me feel that way or even said it to me directly.
How could you speak about your abuse, you are selfish!
I went on to realise that for well over 20 years, I had walked around with this huge brick in my pocket. This brick was the brick of being selfish. That I didn’t deserve things, that I was so ashamedly selfish. That others feelings, emotions and needs MUST always come before my own. I am bottom of the pile and that is how it should be. Are you feeling this brick? Are you carrying something around and oblivious to how much it is actually impacting you?
I realised it had been said, insinuated and a planted seed within my mind, that I was selfish for ever speaking out, that if it wasn’t for me speaking out, then certain people wouldn’t be having such a difficult time. That it had caused such harm and distress for them, it was still affecting them now all these years later. It had ruined peoples lives. ALL BECAUSE OF ME!
I was only a kid!
Then as I asked, what would I tell a client who uttered these words and feelings to me. I’d be appalled, I would be so upset that they could even think that. That them speaking out about abuse was selfish, it was anything of the sort. How can that be classes as a selfish act? How could anyone make you even think that of yourself! And you have carried this around for how many years?
So, to any one else who has spoken out about abuse and to any one else who feels selfish and like they don’t deserve anything. STOP! ask yourself WHY? Why do you not deserve the things you want and the feelings you want? Why do you not deserve to put yourself first? Why? Then ask yourself if you would say the same things to someone else, to your partner, to your best friend, to your children.
Mum’s get a slight hall pass
Now when it comes to being a mother, I will continue to believe this to some degree. My kids will and always be first and foremost. But in every walk of life and in everyday situations. I need to go forward being more mindful that I am not the innate selfish person and that my feelings, my emotions matter too. Often I will find myself in difficult or bad relationships (friendships, sexual, work etc) yet I will remain in them because I put their feelings before my own. This is the sort of things that need to change. That I matter, that my emotions matter. That being selfish is nothing to do with all the things I have allowed it to be associated with for so many years. Yes, being a mama, that carries with it being selfless, that my kids will get ALL of me, my last penny, my last amount of energy, the last piece of food I have! That sort of thing. But I will also allow myself time for me! To be the best mama to them that I can be, because that isn’t selfish, that is a necessity!
I really hope this blog has helped you to see that you are not selfish and that you too are worthy.
If you could hit the social share buttons below it would be so helpful to spread this message and help anyone else on your social channels who is wrongly plagued by such heavy feelings of selfishness.